Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
