Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
