I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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