dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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