i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
