I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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