I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
They have beer where we have blood.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
