if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
