You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My balls are so social today.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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