im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
