whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
