My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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