So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
