wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
