I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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