PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
