Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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