I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Randomize
