ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
