omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
