listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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