you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
