you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
