We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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