You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
