She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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