When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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