My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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