If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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