I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
