you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
