I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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