My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
