the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
