I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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