I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
