and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Randomize
