Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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