sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
