News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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