I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
