I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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