.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
