Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
