I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i wish my penis had a tongue
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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