Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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