that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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