I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
