If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
