wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
