i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
