mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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