I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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