Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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